The Case of the Demon-Possessed Microwave

KeurigFor Christmas 2011 I bit the bullet and joined the crazed crowd and bought my coffee connoisseur hubby a Keurig.  His grind-and-brew Cuisinart had bit the dust.  Yes, with a rolling of my eyes, he did grind his own coffee.  He fell deeply and madly in love with his new Keruig.  And I never had to make a pot of coffee again!  Score one for me!

But I have a somewhat embarrassing confession to make:  I drink instant decaf!  Yeah, that’s right.  Don’t hate me because of it.  I’m not a coffee snob (except at Starbucks) so I’ll drink anything as long as it’s decaf.  I decaffeinated myself back in the 1980’s when I started  having my kids.  So now, except for the occasional bite of chocolate decadence, I’m pretty much caffeine free.  And my two cups of instant decaf each morning suits me just fine.

Until . . . a couple of years ago when my stove was on it’s so-last-decade beige leg, and my dishwasher was begging to be put out of its misery, I received a stainless steel dishwasher for Christmas from daughter #1 and her business partner (aren’t they sweet?).  And, let’s face it, we girls cannot live with unmatched appliances any more than we can go out in public in mismatched clothing.  So I went cold turkey and bought all new stainless steel appliances.  It was my EARLY Christmas present (wink, wink, my hubby still bought me gifts – it works every time).  And I got double ovens because, let’s face it, I do a lot of cooking.

Enter the microwave from the pits of, well, you know.  Oh, it’s sleek, it’s shiny, it has all the maytagbells and whistles.  It’s a beauty on the outside. It does everything except tuck your kids in bed, but there is something way wrong with it.  It’s demon-possessed, I tell ya!  I put a cup of water in there for one minute twenty seconds.  Then I play the guessing game:  Will it be scorching hot and will I get third degree burns?  Will I have to repent?  Will it be lukewarm?  Will it be just right?  Will I have to repent?  I mean, what’s behind door number three?  You just never know! I’ve adjusted the cooking power.  I’ve done everything humanly possible.  I should have sent that shiny, sleek impostor back to the factory from whence it came!

Melt chocolate?  No way, Hosea.  It seizes up.  It scorches. It burns.  I talk to it.  I tell it that it is blessed.  I tell it that it is whole and works perfectly.  It glares back at me with a cold, glassy stare!  It’s just a big, shiny, temperamental contraption that’s out to get me.

Now back to the Keurig – I promise I’m going somewhere with this!  A couple of days ago daughter #3 says to me, “Mom, you do know that you don’t have to use that fickle microwave to heat your coffee water, right?”  As I’m waiting for the punch line, I’m thinking “well, I could heat up a pan of water on top of the stove, I guess, or how about I go outside, rub two sticks together and start a fire . . ”  And she says, in her know-it-all innocent little voice, “all you have to do is heat it in the Keurig.  Just don’t put a K-Cup in, lift the dispenser, place a cup under the spout, push down dispenser, push the button that decides if you want small, medium or large, and abracadabra, wave that magic wand.   You now have an instant, always-just-right, cup of coffee.”  And I said, “I’m not the village idiot (3 times), as I’m having a should-have-had-a-V8-slapping-myself-on-the-forehead moment.  You mean to tell me I could have been doing this for an entire year instead of fighting, cajoling, begging and pleading with that “had to have” upscale stainless steel piece of junk blessedness?”

So, excuse me while I perform an exorcism on that microwave – as soon as I finish my oh-so-perfect cup of instant decaf coffee.


About Alli

Southern, Morning Person, Jesus Girl, Frugal Party Planner, Writer/Blogger, Mom, Nana, Wife, Beach Bum Wannabe - Let's Have a Party!


  1. Ha ha ha! Don’t you just love those moments when you realize how much easier you could have made your life?! You are so right…it is a total V8 headslap moment! 🙂 Stopping by from SITS.

  2. Threaten it with being ousted!!! It might fear the great outdoors and start to behave. Or it might grow legs and attack you (G-Force style)… But Decaf is good. It’s what I drink too.
    In from SITS.

  3. PS – I’m your latest stalker… follower… rss reader person thing.

  4. It’s tough to not feel stupid in those moments when our kids point out something that should be obvious. Go ahead and feel stupid for just a second and then marvel at what a great job you are doing to have raised such an observant and helpful child. And enjoy your coffee.

    Stopping by from SITS.

  5. Hahaha I love the moments when someone tells you something can be done easier!
    I wont judge about the instant coffee, that’s all I drink too 🙂 Stopping by from SITS.

  6. Stopping in from SITS! This is hillarious! I’m glad you found an easier way to heat up your water though! I don’t know WHAT you are going to do about the other things you need to mircrowave! I really need to get one of those Keurigs!

  7. haha too funny! My favorite part of our Keurig is the re-usable cup that I can fill with my own coffee or tea instead of one of the throw away kind. It saves money and I don’t have to re-adjust to a new type of coffee! 🙂

    • My hubby uses the re-usable cup when he runs out of k-cups. Personally, I think the k-cups are way over-priced, but I don’t have to make the coffee anymore, so maybe it’s worth it! 🙂

  8. HA-FRICKING-LARIOUS!! You had me in stitches!
    PS- I can totally relate to possessed microwaves. Ours used to beep for no reason causing our dog to howl… i think its a sign of possession. Thank god it died and we were able to get a new, lovely one… at least it’s nice now… fingers crossed…

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