How I Became my BFF’s Online Dating Coach

by Alli

Need an online dating coach? You’ve come to the right place, baby. Keep reading!

I’m happily married. Thank God. If my husband bites the dust before I do, I’ll stay single until the day I die.

Why?

I was hand-picked by my divorced-for-20-something-years BFF to be her dial an online dating coach when she joined an online dating site. Woe is me.

When my BFF plunged head first into the world of online dating, I became her dial-an-online-dating coach. We both learned a thing or two about online dating and I'm telling it all. Click the photo to read more or save for later.

We live in different states, and her maiden voyage into the turbulent sea of online dating began when we were spending the weekend together at my mom’s for the annual family reunion. Lucky me.

With a feeling of euphoria and juggling a cup of Joe in one hand and an iPad in the other, we set out to find the perfect match.

I felt like I was back in Jr. High, caught in the midnight clutches of a truth-or-dare slumber party.

As we scrolled down the list of potential dates, the first words out of my mouth were, “OMG, these men are SO OLD.  Is this for real?  It’s a sugar daddy site!  Hey, I won’t judge. But I am your online dating coach.”

I immediately sank into a short-lived, dark depression when she told me those men were our age or slightly older and that I was way too picky, delusional, or both.  Take your pick, gag me with a spoon and pass the Häagen-Dazs.

Online Dating Coach

I remember the thrill of being sixteen and having older boys flirt with me, but it’s just not the same when you’re 50 something and the guy you’re about to match up with is a decade older.  Does he still drive his own car?  Have his own teeth?

And Then What Happened?

The first person I eliminated was the shirtless, hairy-chested guy rising up like a Phoenix from the swimming pool with very little on except for a thick, gold chain. No, he didn’t!  Yes, he did. And it should be illegal. He should be arrested, sentenced and sent to the over 50 online dating dungeon. BFF totally agreed. Next!

After passing up all the crazies, the potential ax murderers, the stalkers, the toothless, the we-know-what-you’re-after one-night standers and the guy that I pinky swear was the exact same age as my dad, we were down to a motley crew at best. Sigh. I give up. Let the fun begin.

Fast forward a few months and I’ve learned way more about online dating than I’ve ever wanted to know. I’ve been speed dialed in the wee hours of the morning and received emergency texts way past my 10 PM bedtime. Our  time, my behind.

Seems we forgot to cull the creeps, the liars and the cheapskates. FYI Mr. Cheapo Date:  You don’t ask to split the bill when she ordered a house salad and water and you had 3 cocktails and a ribeye. Give me an online dating break!

We also forgot to strike off the men who behave exactly like they did in high school. The only thing missing is their hair. Just like Peter Pan, they never grew up and would dump you in a New York minute if something younger sashayed by.

The saga continued:  My BFF had been dating a guy for a couple of weeks and we thought it was the real deal.  The chemistry, karma, and all that jazz were there!  We had spent hours over-analyzing every word, every text and every dart of the eye. We were feeling fairly confident that he was normal and that he might be the one.

On my friend’s birthday, he sent a beautiful, high-end bouquet of flowers to her office. Nice move, old guy, way to make the other women in the office jealous.  Score!

After texting back and forth a few times and making plans for the evening of her birthday, he called  and abruptly ended it, saying that he had hooked up with a former (much younger) girlfriend and he terminated the convo with this:  “If things don’t work out, maybe we can get back together.”  On her birthday???  She called me squalling (that’s southern speak for excessive sobbing between hiccups). My advice:  Hire a hit man. I know some people who know some people . . . Next!

Seems like we’ve said next way too many times.

Next happened to be a retired lawyer with a condo on the beach. My immediate question:”Is it really on the beach?  If it’s a block over, that’s a deal breaker.”  All the crazies have caused “us” to be highly suspicious.

Never mind, retired lawyer left for the beach and never looked back. The next potential mate used to instead of too in a text. Might my BFF be a tad too picky?  My reply:  “Find a guy with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.”  Next!

Then there was the recovering alcoholic.  Would she drive him back to the bottle?  She didn’t have time. He screwed up when he asked her to marry him on their second date!  Can you say “needy?”

I’ve coached her through every sob, every laugh, every tear and frankly, I’d like to enjoy just one peaceful, non-counseling lunch.  Is that too much to ask?

And then it happened!  Cue the singing cherubs! The moon IS in the 7th house and Jupiter did align with Mars!  We, I mean, she met Mr. Perfect.  Now, when my “This Year Will be Our Year” dial-a-dating-coach ringtone sounds, I hold my breath, say a little prayer, cross myself and answer with much trepidation.  So far, so good.

I don’t like to brag, but I’m pretty good at my online-dating-coach job and I’m thinking of taking my act on the road. And like I told my BFF, if this one doesn’t work out,  “You don’t have to be lonely, at farmersonly.com.”

Online Dating Coach Update

My BFF eventually married Mr. Right. The casual ceremony was on the beach and I was right there by her side.

Online Dating Coach

My attempt at an outside-the-bathroom-door-at-the-hotel selfie. Stop laughing!

Here is a pic I took with my phone of the happy couple dancing the night away after the wedding.

Online Dating Coach - Dancing the Night Away

They’re in the process of their happily ever after . . .   I’m the Bomb Diggity online dating coach. Need any help?

Want to read some more true life crazy/funny stories?

I Have a Song for That (the night I channeled my inner Bob Seger)

Song for That

Oops, I Did it Again (the day I almost killed myself skiing)

Oops, I Did it Again!

Blogging Makes You Fat (the day I got too big for my britches)

Blogging Makes You Fat

51 comments

Sheila Vives September 12, 2016 - 7:31 am

You described the online dating search experience very well..haha

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Alli September 12, 2016 - 12:05 pm

I think this experience is pretty much routine now. Haha

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Rebekah September 12, 2016 - 9:34 am

This is all so true! We’re so glad she found Mr. Right. 🙂

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Caitlin September 12, 2016 - 10:03 am

[email protected] Rising up like a Phoenix!!! Thank God for friends with good sense. 🙂

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Alli September 12, 2016 - 12:04 pm

I know, right? We did have to wade through a lot of craziness before finding “the one.”

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Paula Schuck September 12, 2016 - 10:34 am

OMG, yay! That is such a cute story! I’m so glad that they found happiness and found it with so much gusto! Woo hoo!

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Shirley Wood September 12, 2016 - 10:45 am

Alli, that is hilarious! My favorite is he used ‘to’ instead of ‘too’ in a text! Girl friends are the bomb.com, aren’t they! I’m so glad she had a happy ending with a happy ever after.

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Alli September 12, 2016 - 12:04 pm

It got a little crazy before she found “the one” and we all love him. I wrote their wedding ceremony and my husband performed the wedding on their favorite beach in FL. 🙂

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Melinda Cato September 12, 2016 - 11:14 am

This is so funny!! Maybe I need to have you be my online dating coach.

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Alli September 12, 2016 - 12:03 pm

I’m a good one! 🙂

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Beth September 13, 2016 - 10:44 am

This was too funny Pastor Alli!! Your replys and deal breakers are hilarious!

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Sarah September 12, 2016 - 12:05 pm

This is too funny but seriously cool. It’s always great to have a BFF that can help, online dating is surely hard enough without having a support system behind the scenes!

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Alli September 12, 2016 - 12:09 pm

Isn’t that the truth! Since I was married way before online dating was a thing, it was kinda fun being a coach.

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lisa September 12, 2016 - 12:26 pm

I have a friend who uses online dating! I think she may need to hire you to help!

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Jeanette September 12, 2016 - 1:37 pm

You totally crack me up! You are right on the money when it comes to online dating sites. I have been on a few of those sites myself and I just wonder what they were thinking when they would take some of these pictures that they posted.

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Single Friend Dating Site September 12, 2016 - 4:43 pm

[…] How I Became my BFF’s Online Dating Coach – If my husband bites the dust before I do, I’ll stay single until the day I die. Why? I was hand-picked by my divorced-for-20-something-years BFF to be her dial an online dating coach when … […]

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Nancy @ whispered inspirations September 12, 2016 - 6:59 pm

I’m happy you found your bff! My bff is my husband and he means the world to me.

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Jenny September 12, 2016 - 7:51 pm

I should share this with my friend, shes having issues with online dating. Lol but i am glad your bff finally found mr. Right!

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Mary September 12, 2016 - 7:59 pm

Alli, you make me laugh. What a terrific bff you are and coach too. It’s true! We want our friends to have the same happiness if not more than what we are experiencing. Way to stay with it as a team and not throw in the towel

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Lorelai @ Life With Lorelai September 12, 2016 - 8:06 pm

Hahaha! This is a great story. Your BFF and her new hubby are awfully lucky to have you as a friend.

~Lorelai
Life With Lorelai

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Bella September 12, 2016 - 9:27 pm

Friends really do know best! It is great that you had each other in this process because online dating really is a roller coaster. I am glad she found him!

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zan September 13, 2016 - 12:50 am

Ha ha ha.. such a funny post. How about that one that used to instead of too? I bet I do that a lot!! I’d say you are a hoot for real! Well so glad that at the end of the day, she got the Mr Right!! And way to go coach!!

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rika September 13, 2016 - 12:56 am

Absolutely love this post 🙂 So glad that your friend finally met the right one! You did an awesome job!

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Jaclyn Anne September 13, 2016 - 6:33 am

This post was so much fun to read! It brings back my memories of online dating and all the horrors that came along with it… you can’t make this stuff up!!! One thing that I always say is that life was never boring when I was online dating. It was so entertaining! I did eventually find Mr. Right online though and we have been married for 3 years now 😉

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Angela Harris September 13, 2016 - 9:07 am

I have not met my love online, however I have met a few friends who have now become best friends.

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Farrah Less G. September 13, 2016 - 11:39 am

I had a BIG smile in my face the whole time reading your post. I am a product of online dating as well. Except I do not have a love coach 🙂 . It was a long distance relationship at first but its all worth it now we are married for 10 yrs and planning to have our baby soon.

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Mimi Green September 13, 2016 - 3:14 pm

This is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Congrats to your BFF and her Mr.

Her experience sounds like a made for TV movie.

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tara pittman September 13, 2016 - 5:25 pm

I hope you have some good dates. I can only imagine the struggles of online dating.

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Amy Jones September 13, 2016 - 6:32 pm

Awww this is super lovely! I’m so glad there are still REAL stories with happy endings like this one!

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Bonnie @wemake7 September 13, 2016 - 7:49 pm

I am so glad that I’m not in the dating game anymore and hopefully never again. Sounds scary. So glad she found a great man.

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Chei September 13, 2016 - 8:17 pm

This is cool dating. Congrats of finding your MR. Right!

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Melanie Smith September 13, 2016 - 8:32 pm

This is super cute!!! I love stories like this one.

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Bites for Foodies September 13, 2016 - 9:47 pm

Sometimes I wonder if I missed out because I never had to try the online dating scene…but after stories I’ve heard, I’m glad I didn’t, lol!

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Shanna Uptergrove September 13, 2016 - 10:37 pm

So awesome of you! That had to be a great experience. I couldn’t do this though, my BFF is already married 😉

Reply
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[…] How I Became my BFF’s Online Dating Coach – I was hand-picked by my divorced-for-20-something-years BFF to be her dial an online dating coach when she joined an online dating site. Woe is me … My advice: Hire a hit man. I know … […]

Reply
Elizabeth O. September 14, 2016 - 9:59 am

What an awesome story and you definitely have a future in that line of business! I really had a great time reading it, especially since I’m a hopeless romantic.

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Enricoh Alfonzo September 14, 2016 - 11:45 am

hahahha! this was such a fun loving post to read! I was smiling the whole way through. Your personality and love for your friend shine through.

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Vera Sweeney September 14, 2016 - 12:50 pm

What a fun story to have!! I am so glad she had you by her side, I would be so lost with online dating right now!

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[…] How I Became my BFF’s Online Dating Coach – … was hand-picked by my divorced-for-20-something-years BFF to be her dial an online dating coach when she joined an online dating site. Woe is me. We live in different states, and her … […]

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Karlyn Cruz September 15, 2016 - 12:50 am

I have fun reading this. So wonderful story. This reminds me so much of one of my friends.

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Jasmine Watts September 15, 2016 - 2:34 am

This is a great story and so glad that your friend finally met the right one!

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tauyanm September 15, 2016 - 1:41 pm

yay for being married haha and happy for your bff! they look so happy looking at each other. I am happy that i’m married as well, too many dating sites and tinder and such are popping out now a days its so hard to keep up haha

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[…] How I Became my BFF’s Online Dating Coach – It’s a sugar daddy site! Hey, I won’t judge … He should be arrested, sentenced and sent to the over 50 online dating dungeon. BFF totally agreed. Next! After passing up all the crazies, the … […]

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Shannon Peterson September 16, 2016 - 2:17 pm

I love that she trusts you so much to have you become her coach! And I’m glad you went with her!

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Glenda September 17, 2016 - 8:21 pm

I’ve been with husband forever. I don’t ever want to remarry either. Your friend looks very happy. BTW, love your sandals 🙂

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Eloise September 18, 2016 - 12:17 am

I’m recently divorced and to hear about so many unfortunate dates kind of scared me …lol is that what I have to look forward to when I’m ready to start the dating scene again?! Well I’m glad she found the one, happy for her : ) good coaching by the way!

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Karlaroundtheworld | Karla September 19, 2016 - 6:34 am

This is one of the best posts I’ve read recently. It felt like an adventure on its own and somehow it’s like a movie. Congratulations to the pair!

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Leigh Anne Borders September 25, 2016 - 2:05 pm

Although I have never had anything to do with this before, I have had a friend do this. She found her husband here!

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